Sunday, December 15, 2013

I will get better

Recently I'm reminded once again of my old mantra : Hope brings disappointment. 希望越大,失望越大.

Externally, well-meaning friends will text or come forward to tell me to jia you and to keep on trying. Place your faith in God.. My wounds reopened a bit more after spending so much time shoring it up. I wish pple will just STOP reopening these wounds. PLEASE STOP REMINDING ME.

When my uncle asked me yesterday when I'm gonna have a kid, although my first instinct was hurt and then to shy away, I thought I made progress when I faked a smile and replied that we are letting nature take its course and tried to say in a joking tone that it's not like 母鸡下蛋. U will get kids when u want them.

Internally, I've been battling to contain my disappointment each month my period came. Struggled not to let it affect me and the r/s. Wasn't expecting myself to be pregnant this month as chances were low with Zd going for business trip during the "golden window".

However, when I had spotting 4 days before expected period, brief hope flared that it could be implantation bleeding. Suddenly my calm was shattered and I got obsessive the next 2 days reading everything I could on implantation bleeding - what it looked like, when it would occur and how long it lasted. It felt the right timing. Suddenly, hope broke through and I started planning when I can start testing and when I can make an appt to see the gynae for confirmation.

Then today, I saw the dreaded red. My heart plummeted and my hopes shattered. On the way to lunch, I couldn't hold it back and a few tears slipped in the car. Zd said it's ok - I wasn't expecting it anyway. Even if it's still the 2 of us, we are good.

But I still felt sad because I had hope. I wish I will stop feeling so damn emotional. I kept thinking about how others tried to comfort me and said they saw visions - A boy and a girl in the house. Prophesies that there would be a baby in the house this year. Irrationally, these would keep coming back to me when I'm feeling down.

I tried to do the cure-all method that I employed in the past whenever I'm down. I went to sleep. I woke up still feeling depressed. Just now I really couldn't stop the floodgate and I sought my mother and just wrapped myself around her and cried. She got a shock and just hugged me at first when i couldn't stop crying to tell her what's wrong. I almost laughed when she asked if Zd bullied me. Then she got very stern with me when I said my period came. She said I needed to get my health back first before I should think about getting pregnant again.

I love my mummy. Somehow maybe it's her stern concern that managed to allow me to rein the emotions back. She said I needed to stop thinking abt it and that sometimes it's only when I stop wanting it so much that I'd finally get pregnant. She told me to stop giving pressure to myself.

I think I feel better now. I felt disillusioned just now and on the verge of blasphemising - "go forth and multiply" felt like a lie. Maybe only because I didn't get what I want. Now I just have to go back to working on my inner state of calm before I feel myself slipping back towards depression. Like what Zd said, I should concentrate on appreciating my current blessings.

I've been calling on Him repeatedly. Will He be able to restore my peace to me again? 

Monday, June 17, 2013

1 month

It has been a month since I went for the op.

For dunno what obscure reason, Zd blames himself for the loss. He gets upset when I cry in front of him so I try not to, even when I really want to.

Didn't want to go back to work when the 2 weeks medical leave was up but in hindsight, maybe it's a good thing I went back. Else I'd have too much time on hand to keep thinking about Pony.

Zd's cousin is pregnant too and she conceived 1 month after us. It hurt a lot to see their post of their 8 weeks baby scan on facebook. I was on a bus to Yishun when I saw that post. I almost burst into tears but refrained because my mum was with me. But I kept thinking about it and feeling sad that if I still had Pony, he would be 12 weeks by then. Later I sent my mum on her errands and I went my way to the town council to settle outstanding charges. I cried as I walked on the streets.

Last Sat's housewarming was challenging for me - especially when Zd's sec school frens turned up. All the married couples brought their babies. It's a bit hard for me to see all those babies and not feel my loss, especially when I noted that one of them is pregnant again.

I feel like such a loser. I'm sincerely happy for my fren when I learnt that she's pregnant but when I saw her last Sat, I couldn't help but think that I'd just be 1 month behind her if I still have my baby.

I'm now dreading next Sat cos a fren who saw us at TMC when we went for the 8 weeks scan will be coming. I'm damn scared that he will ask if I'm pregnant and I'm even more terrified that I'd burst into tears.

*sob* I'm so sorry that I can't protect you Pony. Mummy loves you..

Friday, May 17, 2013


Had thought of blogging in my private blog and keep everything to myself. Unfortunately, it has been too long since I last used it. I can't remember the link. And I really need to find an outlet to let out emotions that I've suppressed for so long.

The last post was in 2011. I doubt if anyone is still following this blog. It should be safe.

The pressure was getting to me. Zd felt stressed and it made me feel sad that we only did it just to procreate. I tried not to let it show but was relieved and ecstatic when I finally tested positive with the pregnancy kit after 9 months of trying. It was after about a week after missing my period that I tested positive. During the week, although I displayed pregnancy symptoms, I tried to downplay everything cos I was afraid that it's just a late period. Didn't want to give myself any false hopes.

I waited impatiently for a few more days after the test to get the pregnancy confirmed by a gynae. I remember how awestruck I was when I saw the gestational sac. I just grinned foolishly at the scan while thinking how remarkable it was that I had a new life growing inside me. That was 5.5 weeks.

From the time I tested positive, I made sure I took care of myself. I bought milk for pregnant mums and ate food that I think is healthy for my baby. The next scan was at full 8 weeks. I was really looking forward to checking my baby's progress. Not sure why, the night before the scan, I started feeling apprehensive and also experienced cramps. I told myself everything it normal and I'm just feeling nervous cos I just read about how a mother-to-be lost her baby at 10 weeks. Her baby's heartbeat stopped beating.

We waited for a ridiculously long time for the scan and when we finally went it to see the gynae, the gynae asked me how I was feeling. I said I had mild nausea but it's ok. He said that's reassuring. Somehow, I didn't quite find that reply reassuring. We got on to the scan. I looked anxiously at the screen and my heart sank when I couldn't see any blinking (which signifies the baby's heartbeat) on the ultrasound scan. I could tell that the gynae was also trying to locate the baby's heartbeat from all sorts of angles but it all felt so surreal. Finally he suggested the vaginal scan. Then he told us very gently that they couldn't detect any bloodflow in my baby ie. my baby is not alive.

I wanted to cry there and then but I struggled to hold it in. Zd was shocked. We were both silent and I avoided looking at him because I didn't want him to see me struggling not to cry. I went straight to the toilet after I stepped out of the gynae's office and broke down in the toilet. My baby is gone.. I felt like my heart just broke into pieces. My precious baby.. that I tried so hard to conceive, the baby that I prayed to God every morning to keep it safe, the baby that I brought to the park with me for my morning walks to let it see the wonderful creations, the baby that I had started to imagine holding in my arms by the end of the year. I didn't want to accept it but my mind knew. I've lost my baby..

That day was tough. I just couldn't stop crying. The hardest part was to call my mum to tell her the loss. I cried till I had a headache. I knew that Zd was very sad too and ended up consoling him and encouraging him to cry it out. My sister came and hugged me. She cried with me when I cried.

We prayed so hard over the weekend that God would perform a miracle and give us back our baby. We went for a second opinion 2 days later and got the same result. We were calmer then and had some closure as the gynae explained  the things to us. During the week, I tried to concentrate on work but I kept thinking about my baby whenever I stopped keeping myself busy. I told pple who asked that I'm ok. I thought I was until I started talking about my baby. I'm not ok! I wanted so much to rage and grieve but I was too damn rational to do that.

We did a final scan before the op. The form is better this time. We could make out the baby's head. I wanted to ask the gynae if this means that maybe the heartbeat will come if we wait for a few more weeks. But the gynae said that the situation wasn't good. The baby's form wasn't good and there's still no heartbeat. I felt happy that I could see its head and where its heart should be. But I'm devastated cos I still had to take out my baby.

In the operating theatre, the anaesthetist couldn't inject the GA properly into my vein. They said it kept slipping away. It was painful but in my heart, I kept praying to God that if He wants me to keep the baby, to foil the attempts - to create a blackout or something.. anything to save my baby. They gave me a gas mask and I felt myself slipping away. I felt my body going numb and my thoughts just spiralled. I was terrified and I kept crying out to God. Then I felt nothing.

The next thing I knew, someone was trying to wake me up. And I woke up. It was done. My baby has been removed. I was too weak and too numb to cry. For the next few hours, there was nothing I could do. I went about my life the next 2 days. I wondered why I didn't feel anything after the op. Was I really so resilient that I didn't feel any more grief after I had gone through the D&C?

Zd was very supportive whenever I needed to cry. However, today we were more like strangers. Whenever he is doing renovation for the house, I felt that we are like strangers. I hate the renovation. It causes us to quarrel and increases the distance between us. Ironically the loss of our baby brought us closer. I felt that I could touch the man I fell in love with and could feel loved. But today, I felt so cold and rejected. The man sleeping beside me is so cold. I don't know why I should look forward to the damn house when I can't find my husband. I tried to tell myself that he's tired. But why do I feel that my hugs and kisses are just one-sided. There is no reciprocate. I'm so tired.

I felt restless and wanna write. I always do when I need to let out my emotions. I opened up my Facebook and started scrolling down updates to distract myself. Then I came across a scan of a gestational sac that my friend shared of her friend's. Once again, I'm reminded of my baby. Tears started streaking down my face. I realise that I can still cry. I didn't lose my heart after the op. It was just frozen. I still grieve for my baby..

I feel so lonely. In the past, I thought that one can still be lonely amidst a crowd. Now I realise that I can still feel alone when when I lie down beside the man I married. Who can I turn to now? Sometimes I wonder if it's really wiser to guard my heart and be alone. That way, although I'd never be happy, at least I'd never hurt like I do now. I took the risk and opened my heart to happiness and hurts.

Now I think I'm hurting more. I wonder when will the hurt cease.. Will everything revert to normal when we shift house on Sat? Will we just suddenly revert back to the loving couple we once were? I think maybe I should just go to bed after crying. Such questions never do any good and only cause more confusion and hurt.

Good nite. I hope my heart will ache less tomorrow. Hopefully everything will be better.

Saturday, July 09, 2011


Since the last post on the first 3 days in Italy, I've been MIA for quite some time. I shall conveniently blame it on work and busy social schedules. Truth be told, it has also been some time since I last switched on my laptop. Somehow, I don't really feel the urge to switch on my laptop when I get home. Think it has to do with my facing the computer at work for 8h. Simply have no desire to switch on my laptop. Would much rather read a novel on my iphone. Also miss holding a real physical book in my hands..

Anw, saw a video on Mon that had me battling back tears. It was a video put together by Operation Smile. Basically, this is a group which will help children born with a lip cleft to go for a free operation, so that they can look like normal children and lead a normal life free of horrified stares and pitying glances. However, due to limited resources, this group has to screen the applicants and select only a number to go for the free operations.

The video showed the screening process in Vietnam - how many parents brought their children with the defect to the screening site, simply because they were too poor to send their children for an operation to fix it; how they were silently praying that their child's name would be called as it would mean that their child had been selected to go for the operation. The contrast was heartwrenching - how some parents looked absolutely delighted and relieved that their child's name was called, and how some parents looked absolutely devastated and disappointed. Then it focused on a child. His mum hoped that after the operation, he would be a handsome boy. It showed the mother's anxiety in the waiting room when the operation was going on. It also showed the intense emotions the mother experienced when she saw her son. She clasped the hands of the doctor and thanked the doctor, and finally, overwhelmed with emotions, she cried into the shoulders of the volunteer worker. It was really touching. One flaw though - they showed it during lunch. It thoroughly spoilt my appetite. Luckily I had finished eating before they started showing the video.

But after viewing it, it also made me glad that I volunteered a day to help with the Operation Smile mission in Batam, even if it's only for screening day. It makes me proud to be part of such a worthy cause.

Another the video, another volunteer from Riverkids came forth to share about their cause - to help females in Cambodia who are potential targets to be sold into the sex industry. It broke my heart to hear tales of how they were not able to stop some girls from being sold in time, and how later when they managed to retrieve these girls, the time (years) and effort it takes to help these girls to recover from the trauma. Luckily no video for this. I doubt that I'd be able to stop tears from falling if there's a video for this.

Heavy topics for lunch. But I'm glad that RBS is starting a charity drive. It helps to remind all of us that despite the late working hours and stress, we are blessed. There are many others who aren't as well off as us and need our help.

They also motivate me further to help if I'm able to. God bless them all.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Italy trip - Rome (Part 1)

13 May 2011 (First Day)
I couldn't believe it but I worked late on the night of my flight. Worked till 8+pm and decided to take a cab home instead of taking the train as I still hadn't finished packing. Didn't even have the time and chance to spend some quality time with Zd before I flew. Sad.
Arrived in Rome with Eli on 13 May (CET). Spent one of the most horrendous long trip flights ever on Emirates. Emirates service is fantastic but somehow, I had difficulty falling asleep on the plane. Caught only 4h of sleep max. Was dead beat by the time I reached the hostel.
The hostel was called Coconuts and it really wasn't easy to find. When we finally located it, it looked like a building out of Frankestein. Cool passageways with a mouldy smell with a door that was painted an ugly green with spikes. The lift was locked so we were forced to take the stairs. Worst, we didn't even know which floor the hostel was on. No info given. So we lugged our luggage floor by floor (with me in the lead) and I was trying really hard to still my overactive imagination while I was already freaking out internally. Eli didn't help matters by saying how scary all these looked. I almost gave in to my fear and wanted to walk back down after the 5th floor though I had a feeling that the hostel was on the 7th. Stifled a scream when a lady suddenly appeared from above and asked me if I'm looking for Coconuts. Super relieved when she said it's on the 7th floor and we continued lugging our luggage up the drafty staircases. The hostel was really clean though and we had 2 double-decked beds in the room. It's an all-girls hostel and we even had an attached bathroom. Really happy with it despite its scary exterior.
We tried to adjust our bodies to CET time zone by going out for a meal and basically, walking around. Had a quick dinner at a restaurant near our hostel and we shared a plate of bruschettas and penne with bacon and cheese, in tomato sauce. Both were very good, much better than what I ever had in Singapore.
Decided to walk off the meal as it was still pretty early then. The neighbourhood near the station (where our hostel was situated) was really dirty and full of dodgy pple at nite. But as we walked further away, the dingy streets fell away and were replaced by streets which looked clean and warm. It was really pleasant strolling down these streets while the sun sets. The wind was a little cold but we were safely cocooned in our coats.
Lost our way a little but stumbled upon this really nice gelateria called Ciuri-Ciuri, where they had the best pistachio ice cream ever. It even had the pistachio nuts in the ice cream. Never thought that I'd like pistachio gelato but this was really yummy..
Crashed at 10pm in the hostel after that..

14 May 2011
We went to the Jewish Ghetto (aka Synagoga in Italian) the next morning. Asked for directions at the bus terminal and squeezed onto bus H. We didn't know how to buy a bus ticket and the bus driver replied me in Italian when I enquired about it. Was a bit scared when Eli said that Italians imposed a stiff fine for not buying bus tickets and we had already boarded the bus then. Crap. Had to ask the passengers on board as we were all packed like sardines. An old lady shook her head, indicating that she couldn't understand English. Luckily a younger lady beside her directed me to the ticket machine a few steps away. Had to squeeze my way through a few bodies to reach the ticket machine. Tickets are cheap - only € 1 per pax but I didn't have enough coins to pay for 2 and it didn't accept notes. Crap. Had to squeeze back to Eli and get some coins from her to pay for her fare. Then came the issue of validating the tickets. The nice young lady again offered her assistance in halting English sentences and actions, and even told us to alight when we reached our destination. Profoundly grateful to her. What an experience from a 10min bus ride!
Went for an English guided tour in the Jewish Ghetto and walked around the museum. It was quite enlightening and I learnt quite a fair bit. For eg. Jewish males have to cover the top of their heads as a sign of respect to God, and their rights were actually taken away from the Pope and made to live away from the Christians. They also had to attend Mass service every Sabbath. Life was already difficult then and they were treated like second/third class citizens and this was made worse when Mussolini came into power started persecuting Jewish to fulfil his dream of a superior Aryan Italian race.
Had lunch near the Ghetto after that and we decided to walk back to the hostel, so that I could call Zd and talk to him on the phone. Along the way, we passed by Santa Maria Maggiore and went in to take a look. Its exterior looked old and stately but it was really beautiful inside. Bright and colorful stained glasses and gold gilded decorations. Eli was suitably impressed. Also went into the Momumento and took some pictures but it was pretty boring inside.
Finally, we went back to the hostel after that and I could call Mr Mah. Took a nap cos I was really tired and woke up abt 30mins later to go to the train station to fetch Yujia.
It was really good to see her as it had been a really really long time since we last met. Probably abt 4-5 years. She's still as thin as ever but she has shoulder length hair now while Eli and I are sporting short hair. haha.. Had dinner together and called it a night.

15 May 2011 (Naples-Pompeii)
Took a train from Rome to Naples, then Pompeii to tour the archaeological ruins. The queue was really looong.. Heard a guy asking those in the queue if they would be interested in a guided tour in English so we decided to enquire and took up his offer as it cost only € 10 per pax. And best thing was we could skip the queue! haha.. The tour was really interesting. I saw the most beautiful mosiacs even visited a brothel. It was kinda amusing the way that the place was filled with references to the penis. We saw penis carvings outside the brothel windows and on the streets, and even saw a big penis in what was supposedly a kitchen! According to the guide, penis is a symbol of fertility and good luck. Being a superstitious Napolitean, he carried a keychain in the form of a penis and proudly showed it to us. He said he'd rub the keychain when he sees someone he doesn't like or consider evil/bad, and that he believes that action can ward away bad luck. o_O
After Pompeii, we went back to Naples and toured its museum. We visited the 'secret room' which contained erotica material. We were pretty excited and thought that this visit would be sure to 'broaden out horizons', so to speak. In the end, I saw lots of penises - in all sorts of exaggerated forms. Even the paintings also showed some ridiculously engorged ones. By the time I left the room, penises were all I saw. This was further confirmed when I thought that the arm of a statue was an engorged penis. YJ thought the same thing too - goes to show the power of brainwashing with the same subject matter for more than 10mins.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Working late...

I'm depressed that I'm working at 12.27am on a Sun morning. Wish that I didn't have to do it but I guess in a sense, I asked for it. It's cos I attended a course on how to write Excel macro codes using Visual Basics. Super cool course! I was damn high on the 2 days I attended the course.

However, as the 2 days are 2 days before a reporting deadline (Mon) and I needed those 2 days to prepare mgmt accounts for >30 SPV deals, I am hence now working overtime. SAD!!

But I met this v interesting guy from Wellington Investment. Quite decent-looking and gentlemanly. Very nice guy who continued talking to me abt lotsa stuff despite knowing my marital status. He was just so friendly that I wanted to let him know first that I'm already attached and married (just in case). He didn't stop talking to me after that and we exchanged numbers/emails. So that's a plus for him too as I've met guys who stopped talking to me immediately upon learning my attached/married status. Hmph!
Oh, and I managed to dig up the fact that he's still single and unattached! Maybe hv to wait till I get to know him better before I start going thru my list of single and unattached girlfriends and see if they may be a possible match. If I'm not already married, he would be someone that I'd consider. haha..

Aye, it's Yaozong's birthday today and I went out to celebrate his bday with Youdi, Chingrong, Beng Kiat and Qiming at River View Hotel. We had ala carte buffet. The food is pretty ok. Dunno the price though. Hope it isn't too ex.. Had some embarrassing moments during the dinner when the others started asking some awkward questions but luckily the attention shifted to someone else, and I escaped the grilling.. haha.. I just tried to act cool under the intense pressure.

But the highlight was after the dinner.. Youdi, Chingrong and I came out of the ladies and were treated to a preview performance from the "Smelly Group". Laughed until like mad.. Their performance was targetted at Chingrong. It was super funny.. Too bad they refused to repeat the performance and let us tape them, but I got Yaozong to promise that they'd repeat it again for Zhongda when he's back. haha.. I'm sure he'd have a good laugh over this.

Also had a good timeout with Eli. She lost quite some weight and it's cos she recently joined a Lindy Hop dance class.. I'm so envious..

Ok, my workstation just underwent a mandatory restart. Think it' s a sign that I should go and sleep. I still have a facial tmr morning at 9.30am, followed by Jamu massage at 1pm. After that, most prob it'd be work till 4pm and I'd go jogging/brisk-walking with Qiming and Gemi unless it rains...

Good nite everyone.

Thursday, March 24, 2011


I've been watching and reading news re Japan's tsunami and nuclear reactors' issues since last week. Two articles I read this morning almost moved me to tears and my heart went out to this heroic group of Japanese.

'We're not running away': Fukushima worker

Tepco workers offer to go to stricken atomic plant

What struck me most is this team of TEPCO 50 who worked tirelessly at the expense of their lives (to stabilize the reactors) to save many others from radiation exposure. One of them is a 59 yr old man who was due to retire in 6 months. A daughter (suspected to be that of this man's) twitted that her father said that he's joining the team with a sense of mission, as the future of nuclear power generation depends on how they cope with this.

It's the selfless sacrifice of these pple that really moved me. This reminds me of a Chinese phrase 乱世出英雄. Often, ordinary pple emerge as heroes during crises simply by their courage and selflessless to save others.

It makes me sad to read of such articles and not be able to do more to help. Massive donations are not going to help with the nuclear reactor situation. It's the courage of TEPCO 50 that will help to make a difference to Japan and their neighbouring countries. Their dedication, not to their work but to the human race, (as pple in danger of radiation exposure is not restricted to just Japan), is admirable.

O'Lord, pls watch over this courageous team who are working tirelessly and selflessly to calm the reactors. Pray that you will work your miracles in this and give them the wisdom to defuse this situation. Also, give them good health and mental endurance to pull through this crisis. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.